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SCIENCE · SATIRE · LITERAL READING

Four Astronauts Travel More Than 100 Million Miles in 237 Days and Return to the Planet They Set Off From

NASA's SpaceX Crew-12 splashed down off Los Angeles on Thursday after more than 3,792 orbits of the Earth. Each one ended where it began.

Editorial cartoon illustration: Four astronauts in orange flight suits sit in a row on folding chairs on the deck of a recovery ship in bright Pacific sunlight, blankets across their knees, while two medical staff in white check them over. The scorched capsule rests behind them in its cradle, still dripping seawater. One of the four holds a small painted globe in both hands and studies it closely, as though confirming it is the right one.
Editorial illustration by The Questionable Times. Based on the verified event; scene is illustrative.

Four astronauts returned to Earth on Thursday after seven and a half months in orbit, completing a mission that NASA says covered more than 100 million miles.

NASA's SpaceX Crew-12 splashed down in the Pacific Ocean off the coast of Los Angeles at 8:34 a.m. PDT, where teams aboard SpaceX recovery vessels retrieved the spacecraft and its crew shortly afterwards.

Aboard were the NASA astronauts Jessica Meir and Jack Hathaway, the European Space Agency astronaut Sophie Adenot and the Roscosmos cosmonaut Andrey Fedyaev. The mission was a second flight for Meir and Fedyaev and a first for Hathaway and Adenot.

They launched at 5:15 a.m. EST on 13 February and docked with the International Space Station a day later, beginning a stay of 237 days.

NASA put the mission totals at more than 100 million miles travelled and more than 3,792 orbits of the Earth.

Meir completed four spacewalks, taking her career total to seven, which places her third all-time among women at NASA behind Peggy Whitson and Suni Williams. Adenot completed three and became the first French woman to walk in space.

The science programme ran to hundreds of hours. The work included testing stem cell production for cell-based therapies, demonstrating on-demand generation of intravenous fluid for future missions, nutrition research, and a study of how physical characteristics may affect blood flow during spaceflight.

"Building the capability, experience, and confidence to do this repeatedly is exactly what will allow us to go farther," the NASA administrator, Jared Isaacman, said.

Dana Weigel, who manages NASA's Low Earth Orbit Program at the Johnson Space Center, said: "We're grateful for the dedication across the human spaceflight team that makes this possible."

After postflight medical screenings the crew will fly to shore and then return to the Johnson Space Center in Houston. NASA has set a news conference for 3:30 p.m. EDT on Thursday 15 October, with Meir, Hathaway and Fedyaev taking part; Adenot will be returning to Europe.

The distance is not in dispute, and neither is the shape. More than 100 million miles were covered. They were covered in more than 3,792 laps.

Measured from the planet the mission left to the planet it arrived at, the net displacement is nil. The same planet was used on both occasions.

This newspaper regards the figure as sound and the achievement as considerable. A hundred million miles is a hundred million miles. The destination is simply the only part of the itinerary that never changed.

NASA's own account supports the reading. The administrator identifies the achievement as the capability to do this repeatedly, and our analysts at the Department of Unnecessary Research can confirm that nothing in the known universe is more repeatable than a circle. It is the only route that returns its own starting conditions free of charge.

The spacewalks are, on this analysis, the only portion of the mission in which anybody went anywhere at all. Each of them also ended where it started, but it was at least a different where.

The odometer reads more than 100 million miles. The map reads one planet, twice.

MISSION TOTALS, NORMALISEDQUESTIONABLE ANALYTICS
100Days in orbit (237)
100Orbits (3,792)
0Net displacement
Illustrative newsroom graphic. Days and orbits are real mission totals, each normalised to 100 for display; net displacement is the difference between the planet the mission left and the planet it returned to.
THE BORING FACT

NASA's SpaceX Crew-12 splashed down in the Pacific Ocean off the coast of Los Angeles at 8:34 a.m. PDT on Thursday 8 October 2026, after 237 days aboard the International Space Station, more than 100 million miles travelled and more than 3,792 orbits of Earth.

Source: NASA
OUR PROFESSIONAL CONCLUSION

Because the 100 million miles were flown in more than 3,792 closed loops, the mission's net displacement is nil, and the repeatability NASA celebrates is simply a property of circles.

REALITY CHECK · LITERAL READING

Unfortunately, there's a small problem.

Distance travelled and displacement are different quantities, and an orbital mission is not a journey to a destination: the science, the spacewalks and the 237 days of operations are the output, not the arrival.

THE BS DETECTOR

Where did reality end?

Tap the paragraph where this story stopped being true. Then see where everyone else bailed.

 

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