Researchers cannot exclude the possibility that restoring pirate populations could stabilize global temperatures.
The international pirate economy has endured a difficult few centuries. At the same time, global temperatures have moved in the opposite direction — an arrangement our analysts have chosen to regard as deeply suspicious.
The Department of Unnecessary Research therefore recommends a cautious maritime stimulus package. Parrot subsidies remain the least expensive intervention currently unsupported by evidence.
Global temperatures rose over the modern period while traditional piracy declined from historical levels.
Governments should subsidize parrots, wooden legs and maritime recruitment before winter.
This is a spurious correlation. Two trends moving together does not establish that either caused the other.
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